Kelly | Embrace Your Life Coaching

Happy Holidays

by Kelly | Dec 21, 2020 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

We have endured much this year. We feel vulnerable, tired.

The Embrace your Life community is composed of mostly women and I am sure you can identify that we often carry a lot this time of year. We place pressure on ourselves to create a beautiful, memorable experience for our family and friends and take the opportunity to really show them how much we care.

We love to see our loved ones happy!

But this year we aren’t able to be with our loved ones. While we don’t have to put on the big dinners and plan the extravagant gatherings, the emotions are swirling.

We are being asked to remain at home.

No home is the same. Some homes are supportive and loving and some are strained and challenged. And some fall in between.

Home is connected to Relationships.

And if you live alone, the relationship in your home is with yourself.

If your emotions are swirling and you feel consumed with stress, give yourself permission to stop and tend to your most important relationship – the one with yourself.

Do what you need to do to get grounded and clear.

Take time off. Set an intention to be gentle in your thoughts. Restrict intense media, movies, music and instead be mindful to flood your environment with sensual soothing sounds, smells and flavours.

Carve out uninterrupted time to rest and recover. Assertively communicate with the people in your home that this is what is needed right now.

Let the simplicity of wrapping yourself in a soft blanket and observe the twinkling of your lit tree, be enough to fill you up.

Avoid the fight in your head with what isn’t and embrace what is. (Yes, we are talking about letting go of control…the greatest challenge of all.)

To get grounded you have to get out of your head and into your body and listen to what it needs. Basic survival – food, shelter, sleep, rest.

Get back to the moment.

Let your environment soothe you -. Here’s another tip!

Download our Cluttered to Clear workbook to help you do just that!

If you are struggling to see the light through the darkness, I offer you the ingredients to embrace change and additional links for support.

And THEN… after you have intentionally shifted your focus and nurtured the relationship with yourself, you will have enough to share (in person or virtually) with your loved ones. All while giving them a gift of showing them how to nurture themselves.

Wishing you peace, love & health during this holiday season.

May you be filled up with the goodness that exists and with hopes for all that is possible!

With love!
Kelly

How to Find Peace in Chaos

by Kelly | Nov 17, 2020 | change, inspiration, love, peace | 0 comments

Resilience.

I can’t think of another word that is more vital to embrace after what we have gone through in our world this last year and continue to navigate.

Wearing Masks are the Norm

I don’t know about you but the anxiety I felt for the first time, wearing a mask in public and seeing masked people driving around town, was so alarming!

There were moments in the grocery store, where my glasses would fog up and then my mask would breathe in way too close and I would try to move it away without touching it directly with my hands and I felt panic rising up in my chest. I avoided public spaces for weeks because of the fear.

Eventually I found masks that allowed me to breathe. And I absorbed the reality of how we are doing our part for public health and saw my discomfort as a small price to pay for the betterment of the whole.

Glaring Need for Food Banks

I am fortunate (and I know it and am grateful) that my work allows me to work at home. In the early summer, after gearing up to leave the house for the weekly shop, the roads and the sidewalks were virtually empty. The emptiness felt creepy.

On my way home, I turned to go into my neighbourhood, there was movement. I watched this tall woman quickly cross the road with her little baby in a stroller to get in line at the pop-up Food Bank at the local school that I didn’t notice before. Time stopped. And the reality of this picture haunted me. And then I cried. The pandemic is real. People are hungry, this is real.

Amazingly, almost right after that, our community filled a whole stadium with donated food. Heartbreakingly beautiful and simultaneously heartbreaking.

Racial Inequality and Unrest

First, I am not qualified to speak intellectually on this topic as I am still unpacking and unlearning and learning. But after the murders of unarmed black people in the US caused a global movement, I felt rage and then hope for humanity. Seeing people come together, united for justice was inspiring. I signed up for webinar after webinar and crammed my mind with education on the history of slavery and colonization and systemic racism, I felt guilt and shame of my white privilege and ignorance. And then, my dearest person was targeted with racist hate language, which brought it home, literally. It is our duty as humans to learn from the past and do better. When we stay in the dark, we are never free.

Gender Inequality, Lockdown and Mental Health

The abruptness of closing the schools revealed the gender inequality that exists and persists. The she-cession has impacted women globally and brings me to my knees in overwhelm and how to make change and help people cope with it all, in its unique and varying ways. Families are hurting. Single parents, grief, suicide prevention, depression, work life balance, emotional labour and pay inequity have been consuming my mind and my reading list.

If you have children under 14 right now with no one to care for them, how do you go to work? Many women in food and hospitality have lost their jobs and many others are in precarious situations. Women in the labour market is the lowest it has been in decades. Universal child care has been touted as a possible solution, along with equal pay and education on gender bias but we need the vaccine.

The pressure to do it all, be it all, have it all, is proving to be impossible for many and that realization is either liberating or crushing.

Over the weekend, we began to unpack our Christmas decorations, eager to start celebrating, even if its just our immediate family this year. I lifted my favourite snowmen family from the box and squeezed them to me like a child and then I touched the area in my chest and remembered the cyst that may or may not be growing, the one the doctors are “watching” every 6 months.

And I became acutely aware of how unknown the future feels, how unreliable, unsteady, unfamiliar, unsure everything can feel … when we look at the weight and expanse of all that we are facing. It is all too big. I held my husband and daughter — rather they held me, as I cried. It’s a complicated gratitude, that we simply have each other and our health, holding the awareness that not all are as fortunate.

I feel like it is a normal occurrence right now, that I cry, my friends cry, my family, my clients. We tell each other (virtually) how much we love each other. We have been quite bold. If you are waiting to say these words in your life, now is the time!

A global pandemic, political unrest, polarization, economic instability, borders closed! This is all real, so get real with the love you have in your life and don’t waste another moment! Share it! There is little else that is as real and transforming as love.

I am used to feeling things deeply. I always have been highly sensitive, intuitive, empathetic and being this way requires boundaries and time to rest. But this year has taught me that…

We must actively strive for equality for all, to promote and live with respect and civility in our own minds, at home with our spouses, children, family, at work with our colleagues and clients and in society and demand the same from government.

Even as I write this you see when you start from the inner world, it extends out and shifts – EVERYTHING can be reduced to love ~ to learn, to choose to give and receive love. Practice.

If you feel compelled to create more meaning and change your life and align with your life purpose, practice getting really good at giving love and receiving love.

Whether you are a taxi driver, doctor, teacher, politician — your purpose is to clear out the clutter, to perform your work mindfully (to be present) and give and receive love in the process.

Really, that is it.

So, while the bigger global pictures are bringing us to our knees, as I see I have repeated throughout this post, it is our love that will heal us and our commitment to equality for all. We are resilient — we are capable to recover after stress.

So, if this is overwhelming or confusing about what to do next — approach it like this: Whoever is in front of you, beside you, listening or talking to you, choose mindfully to love them, look into their eyes and start this healing that we need to do, every day, one ripple in the ocean each day, one interaction, one thought at a time.

We are planning some really soul nourishing workshops this month, I invite you to join, connect and find some peace. If you need assistance or guidance on how to create change and begin your journey, I also offer one-on-one coaching services at Embrace Your Life coaching. If I can be of any help to you, I would love to schedule a complimentary session to discuss your goals.

What the Heck is Clarified Butter?

by Kelly | Oct 20, 2020 | Business Growth, change | 0 comments

How much do you prioritize professional development in your life?

Does the thought of entering a classroom setting make your stomach bubble and churn? Are you so busy you haven’t even thought about learning a new skill or developing a new professional contact?

Living your life purpose is not just one big bold move and the rest of the journey is smooth sailing, there is a commitment to the excavation of self and your journey in the world at each stage in your life.

Does that sound exhausting, or what!?! We are so busy!

————-

In marketing, they say connect with your audience by sharing a story… So here is a story.

Over the weekend, I participated in a 2-day workshop for a course I am taking on Creative Responses to Grief and Loss. We played with different mediums: music, poetry, mindful movement, story writing and the process was very beautiful.

The principles are of Person-Centered Expressive Art Therapy by Natalie Rogers and through this course, I realize how art has been a pivotal part of my healing in my adult life. You may say, “I was a poet and didn’t even know it.”

This weekend, I became very aware that I am firmly in middle age at 45.

As I looked at the group of mostly early 20 somethings as I presented my collage, one area that stuck out were the words “THE LIFE” – and over top of the “THE” I cut out the word “MY” and glued it over top.

You see, I no longer want “THE LIFE” – I am focused on creating MY LIFE.

I only have one.

ONE – if you believe in reincarnation, this is the cumulation of others… but only this one life – with this group of people, with this purpose, with this sphere of possibility.

I looked into the eyes of each of the people in the group, trying to emphasize that insight to them, so they will know that it is not about going after the life but really making a life for yourself. Then, I shared with them the images of unsmiling women – bold, unapologizing and again UNSMILING women looking back at the camera.

There is anger, fierceness and restrained disgust. There is a lot to process in the world right now.

And that is how I feel – anger, fierce and restrained disgust, all laying just below the surface.

When I looked into the eyes of my fellow students, regardless of age, experience, gender, culture, I felt such a closeness with them.

The feeling was familiar, it reminded me of when I facilitated vision board workshops, the Artist’s Way group and Goddess workshops. I was using the principles of Art Therapy and gentle movement and I didn’t even know it!!

So by taking a course, it has ignited a new awareness, a new vigor in how I want to share my love and purpose in the world.

In marketing they also say, be sure your copy answers this: “What is it in for me?” Because that is what the reader thinks when they scan your site, do an experiment, try it yourself.

My intention is always when I write is that you feel inspired or empowered use your intuition to express more joy and love in your life and through your work.

VIRTUAL MONTHLY MEETUPS

As someone who loves to connect with people and see them shine it has been a real challenge to do this solely online. So I invite all who are interested in injecting a little refresh into their work and do a career audit and then listen to our presenter Dr. Marni Bruni speak – Learn More & Register Here!

AND…. clarified butter is when you heat it and then separate the milk part from the top, leaving the pure product below. That is what professional development does, it gives you a chance to go deeper and get rid of the excess.

Surround yourself with people who seek truth, purpose, light, in a pure form.

The Transformative Power of Authenticity

by Kelly | Oct 4, 2020 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

The Fulfilled Woman Accountability Group is a Virtual Meetup created with the intention to bring women together to express and take action toward our biggest dreams. In the process, we support each other and share our experiences of increased moments of fulfillment.

When we strengthen our connection with women, we see just how similar we are and reducing our feelings of isolation and lonliness. The pandemic has created the circumstances to eliminate what is not working for you and in some ways has simplified life and shining light on our values. Authenticity is the key to fulfillment. Authenticity is loving and accepting who you are. It is sitting with the discomfort of not fitting in or shaming yourself for not fitting in. It is seeing yourself in the wholeness of who you are, the spectrum and seeing the beauty in that realness regardless.

Power is different than force. When you force yourself do more, be more, the underlying belief is: “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH”, a feeling of being unworthy. There is power in Authenticity. It is about walking with confidence and presence and when faced with the unknown, it is about being curious instead of doubt and fear. You do not have to prove yourself. Transformation and expansion comes after self acceptance. When you are not afraid, you have the energy to grow and try new things. You free your mind to consider the possibilities of new dreams and experiences. Because your identity is not fragile, you can move between ideas without self ridicule. Stating your dream can be one of the scariest statements! It exposes what is nearest to your heart and what you dare think you can have! But stating your dream boldly gives others an example to follow.

What if you don’t have a goal right now because life feels chaotic? If that feels like you ~ Read my recent article When NOT Falling apart is the goal. We are managing a lot and society expects a lot. But we find happiness in our capacity to shape the world so that we can bring beauty into being. It’s through our own making, our creativity that we make a beautiful life. When you express yourself, share yourself, you are able to find pleasure in life and you experience more fulfillment. Goal Attainment happens where there is Incentive and Accountability. When moments of fulfillment become the incentive and accountability is created in our relationships, you have found the recipe for a fulfilled life.

*** The Fulfilled Woman Accountability Group met on September 29, 2020 and I hosted Caitlin Donovan.

Caitlin Donovan is one of New York City’s leading burnout experts and acupuncturists, host of “Fried – The Burnout Podcast,” and author of the book “The Bouncebackability Factor: End Burnout, Gain Resilience, and Change the World”. Her master’s degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine enables Caitlin to combine Eastern wisdom with her natural practicality.

After performing more than 25,000 acupuncture treatments, Caitlin added 1:1 coaching, corporate workshops, and keynotes for companies such as PTC and Lululemon – all with a focus on ending burnout culture.

She has been featured on podcasts and online magazines such as “Forbes”, “Elephant Journal,” “Thrive Global,” “Addicted 2 Success”, as well as quoted in Oprah Magazine.

— Whatever you want to attract into your life, believe!

Entrepreneurial Series – Branding Basics

by Kelly | Jul 28, 2020 | Business Growth | 0 comments

Let your entrepreneurial self shine by understanding branding basics that you can apply online and offline.

Branding is all about choosing how you want to be perceived by others. When you are self-employed, it is vital to your success that your branding is consistent with who you really are. People are watching and feeling your brand – online and off. Choosing to show up consistently in your life and business is essential in creating an authentic profile that other people will be attracted to and understand.

This is not about people pleasing – you don’t have to be perfect – you have to be REAL!

It is about getting real about who you are and who you serve. You have to understand why your business exists and what you sell and and why people need what you sell! Building a foundation will help you reach your clients… and grow your business!

TIPS ONLINE – Consider these questions about you are presenting yourself online and record your answers.

What words continue to appear in your message online?
How do you describe yourself and your message?
What are your key strengths?
How do other people describe you – think character traits.
What sets you apart from other people in your industry?
What is your key message – your story?
Why do you do what you do?

Be solution focused, share how you can help people solve their concerns and problems.

Quick activity – Take a look at your About Me page on your website and your profile on your Facebook Page and Group and other online profiles. Does your profile reflect any key words that have the flavour of your strengths, character traits, your message, story and clearly states how you can solve your customers’ problem? Write it down.

When you become mindful of your vibe, make sure that it is infused into your copy writing, the images you choose, the colours, fonts and general feel of your image online. When people pop onto your profile or site, make it clear how you can help them with their problem. If they see, hear and feel your message – people will know what to expect from you and form trust with you. It will begin to feel like the reader knows you and they will even begin to like you and buy from you!

Trust is essential in building relationships and when you can clearly demonstrate who you are, what you believe in and then share your message consistently – You will attract customers! I can honestly say that I have not spent more than a few hundred dollars in advertising in nearly a decade of owning my business. My business is based on referrals. I attract people from networking, live events, speaking engagements and through blog posts and groups I have contributed to online. The ability to quickly establish and build trust is becoming even more important in today’s business environment, where partnerships and strategic alliances are common practice.

TIPS OFFLINE – Consider this: If someone bumped into you offline, do you present the same image you do online?

Being authentic and present in your life is essential in growing your business. When you are actively present in your life, people take notice. When you walk into a room with confidence and presence, people can feel that energy! It doesn’t matter if you are an extrovert or introvert, people can feel that you believe in yourself and that energy translates again into trust!

And trust translates into sales.

When you are in person, know how to share and speak about your business, so you might be able to connect with people who need your service or product. The person you are speaking to might not need your services BUT they might refer you to someone they know that needs your work.

Elevate your comfort level about speaking about your work AND know how to answer the question “What do you do?” If you freeze and stumble when you are asked that question, I can help! That is what I love to do.

I help you, an entrepreneurial women gain confidence and clarity to market your business, one that is aligned with your life purpose. I guide you to implement time management strategies and energy focusing practices so you can reconnect with your vision so you can make the difference in the world that you dream about. When you do this work, you will re-ignite your passion for your work and you will begin to attract abundance! When you are focused and take mindful action you will have more energy to share in your business and your life!

Authentic business translates to:

less time wasted,
increase in energy and
higher return on investment.

How does this happen? Because your branding and your services are aligned with your higher purpose and you attract higher paying, happy customers who send more customers like them back to you! Your confidence will soar because this approach is rooted in your soul, your heart!

I hope that whatever you are facing as you build your business, you will be able to find the courage and inner strength to overcome!

If you would like to read about how to make and accept change in your life, consider purchasing my book, Follow Your Heart to Discover Your Life Purpose. I would love to sign a copy for you! Click here for more details on how I can help you.

If you need assistance or guidance on how to begin your journey, I also offer one-on-one coaching services at Embrace Your Life coaching. If I can be of any help to you, I would love to schedule a complimentary session to discuss your goals.

7 Steps to Get on Your Path

by Kelly | Jul 19, 2020 | Uncategorized | 1 comment

“Indulging ourselves in a frantic fantasy of what our life would look like if we were real artists, we fail to see the many small creative changes that we could make at this very moment… Rather than take a scary baby step toward our dreams, we rush to the edge of the cliff and then stand there, quaking, saying. “I can’t leap. I can’t. I can’t.” ~ Julia Cameron

What is preventing you from following what is in your heart?

Do you long to draw, paint or collage? Do you wish you could change careers or pursue an exciting hobby? Maybe you dream of lush gardens or exotic cooking or interior design!

What happens to your body when you think and imagine yourself doing what your heart wants? Doesn’t it feel good?! Likely it does! So, what is stopping you from taking action?

You don’t need a studio to be a potter or a sculptor. You don’t need to quit your job to be a writer, photographer or a dancer. You don’t need to leave your relationship to own your own business or will be considered a terrible parent to join a passionate cause. Take small steps toward your dream and witness your life transform!

Here are 7 steps to get you on your path today!

Eliminate what isn’t working!

We are all intuitive and have a sense about what is true or right for us. We all have had feelings about situations or people in our lives and received a signal that something just wasn’t right. This uncomfortable feeling happens when we go against or try to ignore our intuition. The result of ignoring our intuition is the creation of unnecessary challenge in our lives.

In order to find our truth we need to stop struggling and take a step back from what we are doing and listen. Listening and gaining awareness is real progress but in order to harness change and follow our hearts we need to not only get quiet enough to hear but we then also need to be honest with ourselves about what we find and accept ourselves, exactly as we are. If we look back throughout our lives, we will likely recognize a pattern, and see that the same issue and the way we cope continue over and over again.

Reflection: What is in your life that isn’t working? What or who are you ready to let go of?

Get real with yourself and examine any patterns that aren’t aligned with your potential – the YOU, you know you could be.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”– Lao Tzu

2. Create your vision – visualize daily!

Now that you have eliminated what doesn’t work, the next step is to get clear about what it is you really want. Whatever it is that you want in your ideal life, you must become the person that would attract all of these things.

Reflection:

When you dream about the perfect way to spend your time, what are you doing?
Imagine that you are completely exhilarated and focused, what are you doing?
Imagine having all of the material things you want now. Describe using your senses what it is like having them.
When you feel completely competent, proud and rewarded, what are you doing?
What qualities does your ideal partner enjoy in you?
Describe your closest friendship.

Create a clear picture of what you want to manifest in your ideal life, take it a step further and create a collage of what you want to attract into your life.

“The way to choose happiness is to follow what is right and real and the truth for you. You can never be happy living someone else’s dream. Live your own. And you will for sure know the meaning of happiness.”– Oprah Winfrey

Be Mindful! Live with Purpose!

The more we identify with our ideal picture of what we want and feel good about it, the faster we will see the change take place in our lives. Our behaviours will change and we will let go of things easier because they simply do not fit. Whatever is not aligned with our deeper values and goals begin to drop away.

Activity: Create a safe space for reflection, contemplation and inspiration! Visit your sacred space every day and reflect on the day’s events and the choices you made.

Commit to your transformation: Develop a regular practice of yoga, meditation, nature walks, daily journal writing and share your experience with an accountability partner, friend or coach.

Be aware of the choices you make and choose only what feels good. I’m not talking about fleeting, superficial “feel good”, I am talking about goodness deep down in your soul. You know when there is an ache in your heart or giddiness in your stomach.

Develop your gifts, talents! Uncover your passions and interests – commit to exploring all of what lies within you.

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” ~ Buddha

Remain focused on yourself!

It is important not to push your new lifestyle choices on others. When you change your behaviour it impacts your primary relationships. Friends and family may become inspired by your commitment to self-growth and jump on board or they may feel completely put off, hurt and rejected. They may have different ideal pictures and start moving in other directions or aren’t interested in examining their behaviour and are simply happy with the way things are.

You cannot force people to change or make them want something different; as you are on your own journey, so is everyone else. Just like everyone else’s way isn’t right for you, nor is your way the right way for everyone else.

There is a way to stop all of this endless, mindless responding to other people’s reactions and that is to trust yourself and make sure that your voice is the loudest voice you hear. Let that voice, your voice guide you in the right direction!

Reflection: What does your intuition tell you? What messages are you receiving? Have there been any synchronicities? What insights do you have about your life and who you are as a powerful individual? What has come into your life to support you during this time of change?

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” — Raymond Lindquist

Celebrate YOU and what is happening NOW!

Look for what is working! Throughout this change process, you have made the decision to change the things in your life – all of this action required great courage! Celebrate!

Recognize your success! It is very common to overlook events dismissing them as luck or coincidences; I urge you to avoid minimizing your progress and include even the slightest change that is aligned with your ideal life.

It is important to recognize all of the success as this is evidence for how the Universe is acting in your life. The ability to receive is a critical new skill to develop that will attract more success to you; I encourage you to list all of the successes – no matter what size!

Activity: Let go of others’ input, feedback etc. This is your time to shine! You really deserve to take a moment to relax, look around and have pride for what you have started just for yourself! Reflect on these questions:

How can you practice savouring your success alone?
What fills you up or brings you joy? What can you do for yourself to celebrate you?
How can you incorporate this joyful activity into your celebration today?

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Don’t give up when you numb out!

When old negative thinking arises, so do old negative coping patterns. Negative coping behaviours are usually excessive behaviours that are distractions from reality. They are harmful ways of dealing with doubt and fear associated with adapting to change and satisfy immediate gratification – over-shopping, exercising, drinking, eating etc… Choosing these behaviours will surely move you further away from what you want.

Knowing your old patterns of coping and being honest with yourself is the first step in breaking the pattern. Watch for the old coping mechanisms as they arise during moments of stress, doubt and fear. Get really familiar with that part of you who is experiencing pain – ask that part of you what “its” message is and what “it needs. Listen for any messages and record the insights.

Trust yourself. You have overcome many obstacles to get to this point in your life, this too shall pass.

Reflection:

What coping strategies have you used in the past to deal with stress and anxiety?
How did these strategies work for you in managing your stress?
How do you want to deal differently with boredom, fear, doubt? Devise a plan and implement when in critical moments.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

7. Evolve! Expand! Embrace your life!

Keep adding to your vision of what you desire! Keep expanding, developing and utilizing your power. Create more of what you want!

Wanting more does not mean that you are selfish or incapable of being satisfied, it means that you have uncovered something inside of you that wants to blossom and flourish! You have released your inner truth and it is spreading! Don’t hold back, just follow your heart!

Activity: Create a list to achieve in 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years. Keep this list with you.

“Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.” —David Whyte

You deserve to receive goodness in life. You are the only person in the entire world who has the unique combination of experiences that creates your individual perspective. No one else is exactly like you.

Live your Purpose! Write your own story!

I hope that whatever you are facing, or however you feel about your ability and deservedness to create a life of purpose, you will be able to find the courage and inner strength to overcome!

3 Easy Ways to Boost Your Inner Strength

by Kelly | Nov 18, 2019 | inspiration, Uncategorized | 0 comments

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.
Christopher Reeve

We all have ideas about what it means to be strong. When you think about strength, what qualities are important to you? Do you think of a physical body? Or about mental fortitude?

How do we define strength?

There are several types of strength. We might initially think of physicality – the kind of strength we get from exercising and using our muscles.

But our bodies aren’t the only parts of us that can be strong. We can also have strong hearts and minds.

We define this type of strength as “The emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with difficult or distressing situations” (Lexico, powered by Oxford).

In everyday conversation, we actually discuss mental and emotional fortitude more than physical strength. We say things like

So and so is such a strong woman

How is so and so dealing with all those hardships so calmly? I would be torn apart! Now that’s strength!

When you admire someone’s mental & emotional strength, what do you think about? What actions are they taking? What characteristics do they display?

I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.
Anna Freud

What kinds of strength are we talking about?

Work Ethic & Preparation When we view someone as strong, we often think of them as “put together” or that they have all of their priorities in line with their goals. This doesn’t happen on accident – it’s a matter of hard work and preparation!

When we see strong people who are facing obstacles and handling them gracefully, it’s not because they naturally handle bad circumstances better than the rest of us. More than likely, these people have encountered obstacles before and have worked to respond in a productive way rather than lashing out. They have worked on themselves enough to be able to control the natural response we all have about panic:

What am I going to do now?!

These graceful responses also come from preparation. No one wants to think the worst is going to happen. We prefer the good parts of life; however, we the reality is that the bad parts exist. So we must prepare ourselves for the times when we know we will face hardship. When people respond calmly in the face of these obstacles, they have not only acknowledged that the obstacles will arise, but also how they need to deal with them to be successful.

Character & Values Being mentally and emotionally strong includes maintaining your character and values in the face of whatever or whoever might try to change you. While we might be influenced in small ways, hopefully for the better, we want our character and values to be steadfast.

Think about the people you admire. How would you describe their character? What qualities do they have?

Think about the people you admire. How would you describe their character? What qualities do they have? Chances are, you might consider things like being candid, empathetic, open to new ideas, and listening without assuming.

On the other hand, you probably aren’t thinking about someone who is selfish, someone who quickly bows under pressure, or someone who is so self-conscious that they make their decisions based on what others think of them.

Our values help us decide what is right and wrong. They’re what we most strongly believe to be true. We must include values when we think about emotional & mental strength because the strongest people are the ones who stay true to their character, and what they’ve designated as their guiding values. Much like a tree in a storm, strong individuals may bend, but remain rooted in what is most important.

Voice It’s one thing to be strong internally. To fortify ourselves and dig deep to find our inner strength. It’s quite another thing to do something about it.

How many times have we seen an injustice, no matter the size, but have been too afraid to stand up for what we feel is right, even when it’s something we deeply believe?

Using our voices to stand up for what’s right, and to be a voice for others who may not have a platform shows great strength. The strongest and most admirable people are those who are not only firm in their character and values, but voice their ideas to make change with their strength.

Our voice can also encourage others who need it, and ourselves when we feel our strength giving way. It is one of our most powerful tools because it’s a unique representation of our preparation, hard work, character, and values all wrapped up into a message others hear.

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
Mahatma Gandhi

How do we develop our strengths?

Self-reflection To stay true to what we believe, we must first have a clear vision of what it is that’s important to us. We know ourselves better than anyone else, which can be a tricky advantage. It means that we have a pretty good idea of what we believe (or want to believe), and we generally know how we act (or don’t act) on those ideas.

It also means that we have blind spots to things we believe we’re acting on that we are actually not.

To develop ourselves into stronger individuals, we need to reflect honestly and critically on our character, beliefs, and actions. We don’t need to share these thoughts with others, especially in areas we feel might be lacking, but we do need to be transparent with ourselves. We can’t grow if we don’t know where we are.

Practice Why do people say “Practice makes perfect”? – because it’s true! None of the strong people we admire got that way overnight. Once we are honest about our starting point, we can begin to practice the qualities we view as strong.

Do you want to be a better active listener? Or remain outwardly calm in the face of hardship?

These are goals achievable through practice and self-reflection. Will they be difficult? Absolutely. Will you miss the mark sometimes? Definitely. But they are goals that you can practice and grow every day.

Persistence We have reflected and practiced the characteristics we feel display mental & emotional strength. But what happens when we fail? When we completely “blow it” and feel that we have to start from scratch all over again?

When we fail, we must get back up and try again.

Take a moment and think about what that looks like in your life.

Failure is inevitable. It’s not something we can go through life hoping that it won’t ever happen to us because there is no way around it. When we work on building our strength, we need to consider that it requires persistence. If the strongest people gave up after a failure, the world would never grow and learn!

Albert Einstein tried to invent the lightbulb 1,000 times. He didn’t give up after 10 times, or even 500 times. He didn’t consider the 999 times before the success failures, but steps in a learning process. Persistence is key to developing our strength and learning how to use our voice.

Don’t wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great. Weak men wait for opportunities; strong men make them.
Orison Swett Marden

What do we do when we don’t feel strong?

Question & Doubt Ourselves When we don’t feel strong, we question everything about ourselves: our character, our values, our decisions, and what we want.

Imagine a terrible day at work. Your clients screamed at you about things you couldn’t fix. Then you arrived home to find out that your dog vomited on the carpet, your spouse got a flat tire on the way home, and several kids in your child’s class at school have the flu.

In the moment when all of these things are whirling around your mind, it would be easy to think:

What did I do to deserve this?!

How could all of this happen to me in one day? Is the universe trying to send me a message?

While these are all terrible things that have, unfortunately, happened at the same time, it does not mean that you are being punished because of something you did. These nagging doubts are dangerous because they prey on your inner strength and leave you feeling more hopeless than before.

Compare Ourselves to Unattainable Standards In moments we feel weak, we compare ourselves to expectations and standards that are not realistic.

Imagine you’ve been eating healthier and exercising, but can’t yet see the results. You feel let down. You flip open a magazine in the grocery store check-out lane and see the celebrities in high fashion. You ask yourself:

How does she do it?

Why can’t I just look like her?

The reality is that many tabloids are full of photoshopped images, which means that the picture you are comparing your body to isn’t even the real thing! It started out as a human body and got erased to create a “more beautiful” woman.

We are constantly inundated with these ads and images that try to get us to purchase products that will make us so much “better” than we are. This is dangerous for our mental & emotional strength because it leads us to believe that we aren’t good enough in our own skin – which is absolutely untrue!

Compare Ourselves to Others When we feel weak, we look at others and compare ourselves and our lives to theirs. This is especially true with the current social media craze!

You’re scrolling through Facebook and you see that one of your friends just went on a fabulous vacation. The pictures, and their family, are gorgeous and you consume as many as you can find. Meanwhile, you’re comparing your own life to theirs:

I haven’t been on a real vacation in years!

We don’t have a house or kids yet.

They’re so lucky! I wish I had the money they have.

While you’re making these comparisons, you leave out the fact that you continued your education and got a higher level degree. You don’t have a house, but you pay double on your student loans so you can pay them off early. You live frugally, but work at a job you enjoy.

Comparing ourselves to others is a natural part of life, but it can be dangerous for our mental & emotional strength! We can wind up thinking that everyone else has it so much better than us when the fact is that we rarely have anyone’s whole story.

Minimize Our Successes When we don’t feel strong, we minimize the successes we have achieved.

You’ve just graduated college, with very good grades thank you very much! You’ve been faithfully searching for a job in your field for months, but have gotten nowhere. Your faithful searching turns to frantic as your savings run low. You finally reach desperation and take the first job offered to you. After all, you have to eat & pay your bills. During the soul-sucking job hunt you consider:

Maybe I picked the wrong career path.

I’m never going to get a job I like.

While these are legitimate concerns, they completely ignore the fact that you went to and graduated from college! You succeeded in holding down a part-time job during your college years, while maintaining your grades. You put in the effort to go to what felt like a thousand interviews, which honed your skills so that you could get that first job offer.

Minimizing our successes can be dangerous for our mental & emotional strength because it focuses solely on the negatives – what’s not happening in our lives. Even small successes change our perspective, and it’s important to remember that.

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Mother Teresa

How do we access our strength when we feel it is lacking?

Take time to be with ourselves Taking self-reflection time to be alone with our thoughts is powerful when we aren’t feeling our strongest.

It is a time to remind ourselves of our progress, our circumstances, and where we want to be. It is a time to calm our fears and be ourselves.

I highly recommend keeping a journal of these thoughts, as you can review it regularly when you need some inner strength. Who better to boost your inner strength than you?

Develop a personal strength mantra Science has shown that we can positively alter our success by speaking to ourselves! This practice is called self-talk.

This is a powerful tool when we feel our strength waning because we can access it anywhere – nothing extra needed!

Taking this a step further, I recommend developing a personal mantra that boosts your mental & emotional strength. This will allow you to have a quick, positive self-talk with yourself when you need a boost in strength.

It could be something simple such as

You’re doing great, [Your Name Here], keep going!

Or it could be more complex like:

You’ve got this, [Your Name Here]! You’ve overcome [Obstacle] and succeeded. This is just the next obstacle.

Review current & previous successes Another great strategy to boost your mental & emotional strength is to think about where we’ve been and where we are right now.

A journal would be a great place to record your thoughts on what you’ve done successfully before and what you’re doing right now that’s working.

Make a list! No success is too small. Remember, it doesn’t have to be a life-changing to be a success.

Self-acknowledgment boosts your emotional and spiritual immunity, giving you the strength you need to release the past and rise above fear, doubt or resignation.
Debbie Ford

On our journey through life, we all face change. Some good and some bad. We face obstacles that seem insurmountable. And yet, we survive. We face our fears, do the things that scare us, and succeed. We are almost always stronger than we think.

I hope that whatever you are facing, or however you feel about your mental & emotional strength, you will be able to find the courage and inner strength to overcome!

6 Ways to Face the Fear Holding You Back

by Kelly | Oct 14, 2019 | change, goals, inspiration | 0 comments

“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” – Henry Ford

Being human means being afraid. Sometimes these fears are minor and we learn to live with them, but sometimes they overcome our lives. What are your biggest fears? Do they rule your life?

How do we define fear?

Fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm” (Lexico, powered by Oxford). Interestingly, there are also 3 related sub-definitions that can help us think about this concept.

(Fear for) “A feeling of anxiety concerning the outcome of something or the safety of someone.”
“The likelihood of something unwelcome happening.”
(Archaic) “A mixed feeling of dread and reverence.”

Fear can be tangible, and everyone experiences it differently. Your set of fears are largely based on your experiences in life, and no one has the exact same set of experiences!

Sometimes we fear small things, like spiders, but sometimes larger things are at stake. We feel anxious because we’re not moving toward our dreams. Or we feel that, even if we are moving toward a specific goal, the dream is too big. We question whether we will fail, whether the dream is even possible, and sometimes, we fear that if we get there, we won’t know what to do next.

“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.”- Andre Gide

What are we afraid of?

Small things There are a lucky few who claim not to be afraid of anything. While I doubt this deeply, the rest of us have small fears that are an annoyance in our daily lives. Sometimes it’s things like roller coasters. We wait all year until the summer months to take a fun family weekend trip to the nearest theme park only to be daunted by a crippling fear of flying up and down those metal hills that everyone else seems to love so much.

Change Change is a universal fear. As humans, we really struggle with changes in our lives because we get stuck in our comfort zones. Change breeds fear of the unknown, and for many of us, that might be the biggest fear in our lives. What if the unknown is worse than our comfort zone? Or, what if the unknown is better and we’re too afraid to reach for it?

Failure Fear of failure can be immobilizing. We all reach a point in our lives at least once where we must make the decision to risk what we have to get where we want to be. Some people take the leap of faith and soar, while some people let their fear of failure keep them on the edge of wanting, and later regret.

When we reach a “turning point” like this, we always fight the “what-ifs.”

What if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not good at this new job after all? What if this new relationship turns out just like the last?

Taking Action Even if we’ve decided to take a leap of faith, taking action is also a major fear! When we’ve decided to take action, it means that we have decided to make a change and are willing to risk what we have to make our situation better, or make our dream come true. We must figure out what steps to take to prevent failure, but that also allow us to grow and make the changes we’ve decided to make. That’s a lot of pressure!

“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.” – Japanese Proverb

Why are we afraid?

Past Experience When we are young, we learn how to grow and adapt. For many of us, growth comes with pain. Many of us have had painful experiences that turned our previous excitement for something new into fear.

Perhaps you were in love with your high school sweetheart and got married young, only to realize during college that the relationship didn’t bring the joy it used to. You both drifted away, and ultimately made the decision to divorce. As a result of this pain, you now find yourself afraid to open yourself up to a new relationship.

Concept of Failure Throughout our lives, there is a lot of pressure to succeed, but is most evident when we are still in school. For some, the ultimate fear is of being a failure as a person. Not doing as well as expected might signal to them that they are failing as a whole. The problem is that fear isn’t a personality trait. Fear is a situation. It’s not a permanent state, but a facilitator of change in our lives.

I struggled with this for years! I used to tell myself things like:

This is a crazy dream. I’m going to fall flat on my face and my whole career will be gone. I’ll be a failure in front of everyone and there will be nothing I can do about it.

Attitudes & Preconceived Notions Have you heard the adage “Assuming makes an ass out of you and me”? Even if you haven’t, we’ve all see the truth of this, right? Fear is no different. Many of us see fear as a personality trait or something that is wrong with us. On occasion, I’ve heard friends say things like “What is wrong with me? Why am I afraid of this?”

Fear is a natural emotion. While we shouldn’t let it stop us from doing things we love, it’s there for a reason. We have these ideas of fear that tell us one story of what “being afraid” looks like.

We also have a related story of what “failure” looks like. You know the one: Confident, smart, and capable individual puts everything they have on the line and does their best only to have it fail spectacularly. The previously strong individual is now lonely and miserable for the rest of their life because of this one massive failure they can’t get past.

Not only is this not true in most cases, the idea is very harmful and creates fear where excitement should be.

Success is Scary Who here has been scared of their dream? We all have. If you haven’t, I encourage you to expand your dream and make it bigger! Doing the things that we love and having them succeed can be scary! We dream them up, and then keep our noses down while we work our butts off to get to that goal.

When we finally reach it and look around us, it might look a lot different than we imagined – in a good way – or it might be even better than expected. Either way, once you get to this point, fear can creep in with ideas like:

What do I do now?

If this is the best it’s going to be, what’s next?

This is so great! What happens if I lose everything and all of this goes away?

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie

How do these fears present themselves in our lives?

Hesitation When we are afraid, we hesitate. We wait to make decisions, even if we know what we need to do. We worry we are rushing things even if we have been through our normal decision-making processes.

Anxiety When we are afraid, we worry about a lot of things. Not just whether we are rushing, but also things we never would have worried about before. We worry about things we can’t change, and what our reactions will be to hypothetical “worst-case” scenarios.

Indecisiveness When we are afraid, we take a long time to think about all the options, even if we’ve already looked at them. We add steps to the decision-making process to prolong actually making the decision and taking action. We go back and forth about options, even if one stands out as the best.

Excuses When we are afraid, we make excuses for ourselves and others. We put off decisions because things are not happening at the “right time” or there might be a better time to take action. We might say we are waiting on someone who is flaky (and who we know will not commit) to buy us more time to make a decision.

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.” — Benjamin Disraeli

Despite its reputation, fear is actually a good thing. Here’s why:

Natural Fear is a natural emotion! Back in the days before we had so much technology, people relied on their instincts and fear much more to keep themselves safe from danger and pain. Just because we have phones and alarms and all the other modern devices doesn’t mean we don’t need fear to help us be aware of things that could harm us.

Motivator Has anyone ever told you that you couldn’t do something? Which immediately triggered your desire to prove them wrong? Fear acts in a similar way. Fear tells us that we can’t do something, that we might fail, and therefore shouldn’t try. But, this can be an excellent motivator! In the same way we want to prove someone else wrong, we can work to prove our fear wrong by taking small steps to get where we want to go.

Encourages us to take action When we are using our fear to motivate ourselves, we are emboldened to take actions, even if they are small. This might mean we outline a plan to get to our dream with actual, achievable goals. This might even mean that we allow ourselves to think freely about what we want – maybe for the first time – and figure out how to get there.

Challenges assumptions We have our dreams, and we have our fears, but do we naturally think of them as allies? Fear might be the nagging worry that you will fail. It might be the showstopper that keeps you at a job you hate for many years. But, when we really stop to figure out and think about what those fears are, the results can be surprising.

We might assume we are afraid of leaving our job because we really like the people, when in reality, the fear is that we won’t make new friends or have a boss we trust at a new job that’s better for us in the long run. We might not have figured out what we are really afraid of if we weren’t aware and critical of our fear. Our assumptions often block us from the truth.

Forces us to thoughtfully consider our lives Have you ever had one of those days where you question everything? What you’re doing with your life, your decisions, maybe even what you had for lunch? Fear may be a nuisance most of the time, or so we think, but it also helps us think about our reality.

So you’re afraid to apply for the promotion at your company? Why? What would be the worst that could happen? Fear allows us a unique way to think about what we want and what would be best for us. We might be scared to apply because the job is a lot harder, but it might also be a great opportunity to grow into a career and better support ourselves and our families.

“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” – Karl Augustus Menninger

What do we do when it seems like fear has paralyzed us?

Reflect on it. It’s awfully hard to face your fears when you can’t tell what they are. When something in your life seems so scary that it feels like you can’t do anything about it, you need to allow yourself time to reflect and find the real fear. It’s probably not what you assumed. Many times we think our fears are easy and tangible to identify, only to reflect and find that we’re actually scared of the idea behind something rather than the thing itself.

Get assistance. Sometimes we just need help, just like sometimes we are our own worst critic. If your fear is so paralyzing that you can’t even seem to identify what the real fear is, it might be time to get some counseling or coaching assistance. These are people who have been trained to listen and help you! They want to see you succeed, even when that nasty little fear voice in your head says you can’t.

Talk it out with a trusted confidant or in your journal. In order to have positivity and success in your life, you need to clear out some of the worry and fear that’s getting in the way. I strongly recommend writing in a journal, but if this isn’t a possibility for you, talk to a trusted confidant. I don’t necessarily mean only your parent(s) or spouse, but someone who you know will not judge or laugh at you. Someone who will actively listen and offer their opinion and assistance about things you are struggling with.

Make a plan Once you have figured out what you are afraid of, and what you really want to work toward, make a plan of how to get there! Set a few long-term goals (5 years), a few middle-term goals (about 1 year), and several short-term goals (less than 1 year). By having different lengths of goals, we allow ourselves to have time to face our fears and step into our new life rather than leaping in head-first and getting discouraged.

Take small steps You might be so afraid you don’t even know where to start. You might not have a 5 year plan, because you can’t picture 5 years from now. What you need to focus on at the beginning of facing your fears is to take baby steps out of your comfort zone. By all means, if you have the courage and means to take a big leap, do so! For most of us, though, that may not be feasible. We need to take tiny steps to gain the confidence to take those big leaps later on.

Accept change As hard as it is, we must accept that change is going to happen whether we want it to or not, and whether it’s for the good or bad. We don’t get a choice in the matter, so why waste so much of our time and energy trying to stop it? When you see a big change looming in the distance, reflect on your fear and lean into the change. You can’t stop change any more than you can stop a thunderstorm, but that doesn’t mean the thunderstorm doesn’t bring much needed rain and beautiful skies.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” – Jack Canfield

What happens when you accept fear and let it motivate you?

Achieve your dream & positive life changes When you accept that fear is part of life and become open to the idea that it’s not always bad, you will notice that there are positive changes in your life. Maybe you worry less, or start being able to think about your dreams in a different light. You will probably even notice that your dream doesn’t seem quite so unachievable!

Feel more confident When you can look your fear in the face and say, “I see you, but you can’t control me,” you will have a whole new level of confidence in all aspects of your life. You will find that you are empowered to make decisions, walk a little taller, and maybe even introduce yourself differently in social situations.

Take positive risks you would have forgone before The best part about facing your fear is that you will be emboldened to take new risks. This doesn’t mean that you won’t still be afraid, or that all of the risks you take will work in your favor; but, at least you will be willing to take them. Perhaps you will be willing to invest a little money into your idea because you have a plan to make it grow. Or maybe you reach out to one of your role models on social media to connect and ask some questions about their work that inspires you so much.

I hope you find the courage to face your fears and work toward your big dreams!

If you would like to read further on how to make and accept change in your life, consider purchasing my book, Follow Your Heart to Discover Your Life Purpose. I would love to sign a copy for you! Click here for more details on how I can help you.

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